Send In The Clones
by turbomagnus
Summary: A humorous and farcical look 'behind the scenes' of a completely unrealistic "Attack of the Clones"... featuring Yoda, Ayanami Rei and Ben Reilly.


Author's Note: A while back, I had this weird mental image of a Star Wars GAR Clone Trooper removing their helmet to reveal... Rei Ayanami. And when someone tries to call shenanigans, she points out that she's one of the Rei _clones_, out of work since End of Eva, hired to work in the background shots where you don't see who's under the helmet, then Ben Reilly walks up also in Clone Trooper armor sans helm and tells her to helm on, they're on in five.

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, Spider-Man, Evangelion or any other source material used in this story. If I did, Anakin would've told the Council to do things unspeakable and talked Padme out of politics instead of sneaking around, among other things... so, obviously I don't. They are used without permission or intent to profit, merely to entertain.

* * *

"Send In The Clones"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

* * *

"And... cut!" The director announced, causing Clones, Battle Droids, Jedi and so on to stop their fighting and take a break, "Everyone, that's great; that's really good. Take a few minutes to rest and get rehydrated, then we'll get back to finish the scene."

Turning to one of his assistants, the director muttered, "I hate shooting on location. Have somebody get me a LifeWater or something."

Back out with the cast, the Battle Droids walked off to stand in a cluster around a table covered with various types of oils.

"You know," one of them commented, "The Daleks would never be worked this hard out on location, so why do droids always get stuck out in deserts and forests and arctic wastes working their bolts loose?"

"They've got senority," a Super Battle Droid answered, "And a better fanbase."

A Destroyer Droid curled and uncurled in frustration, "Only reason those kitchen rejects get better treatment is they've got a better union than us. I keep telling you, if there's ever going to be any progress-"

"Oh, shut up, ST-47," the first Battle Droid interrupted, "We don't want to hear about your plans for Anarcho-Syndicalism. What do you think we are, a bunch of constitutional peasants?"

* * *

Back at the set itself, the director only wished he were having to deal with a droid that had watched Monty Python until it's CPU was stuck in a programming loop around that. Instead, he was faced with a muppet...

"Doing here, she is what?" Yoda demanded, "Anime character, she is, not live-action."

An angry muppet, at that. And a defensive human-Angel hybrid, both of whom combined were ruining his enjoyment of a nice cold bottle of water in this hot desert.

"I am one of the Rei _clones,_" The red-eyed, blue-haired girl pointed out flatly, tucking her Grand Army of the Republic trooper helmet under her arm, trapping it between arm and armor.

"Any clones must be played by clones," The director elaborated, fiddling with the top of his bottle, wishing he could just take it off and guzzle down the sweet nectar of life within, "It's one of those annoying little sub-sub-clauses in the fine print that you find in Hollywood."

"With cartoon characters, work I do not," Yoda snorted, "To my trailer am I going."

As he was waddling off, the director rolled his eyes and muttered, "Prima-donna Kermit-wannabes."

The director's eyes shot open in pain as he was hit in the back of the head by a Force-Telekinesis thrown rock.

"Heard that, I did," Yoda remarked without stopping in his path.

"No more kids, animals... or _muppets_," the director managed to mutter before he passed out and fell to the ground, his water bottle falling out of his and rolling across the ground to come to a stop at the feet of the Rei clone. Carefully, she bent down to pick it up and as she straightened again, she read the label.

"LifeWater? How does this differ from other water?" Rei wondered, twisting the cap off as she walked away from the fallen director, now more interesting in her newly-acquired bottle of LifeWater than him.

"Uh, is anyone going to do something about this?" A rookie boom-mic operator asked.

"Nah," one of the camera operators answered, "Let him sleep, he needs the rest."

* * *

It's a known fact that all Rei-series human-Angel hybrid clones are on strict diets, ostenatiously for health reasons, but primarily as a way for Ikari Gendo to exercise additional control over one of the key parts of his Scenario. What is a lesser-known fact is that this has the unexpected side effect of causing Rei clones to have increased reactions to ingredients that most people build up a tolerance for throughout their lives, like chocolate, sugar, caffine and even simply fruit flavoring... fruit flavoring like that in a bottle of LifeWater. Now, fifteen minutes after the Director had been knocked unconscious, Rei was sitting in the shadow of one of the trailers with her helmet on the ground beside her, LifeWater bottle in hand and almost empty, giggling as people walked by and studiously tried to ignore her.

"Hey, Angel-girl," A Clone Trooper with his helmet clipped to his belt, thus revealing that he looked like a blond Peter Parker announced as he walked over to Rei, who was now finishing off the bottle, "We're back on in five!"

"Thank you, Ben Reilly," Rei answered with a smile, LifeWater dripping from the corners of her mouth.

"It's Ben, just Ben, I've told you that, Rei," Reilly shook his head before muttering to himself, "At least that teenage-acting Superman clone from 'Lois And Clark' got fired... His quirks weren't quite so endearing."

As Ben helped her up, Rei blushed, "You think of my 'quirks' as 'endearing', Ben Reilly?"

"Um... yeah?" Ben answered nervously, rubbing the back of his neck and thinking of just how much like his 'brother' he had sounded just then.

"Shinji and my sister will be going on a date tonight," Rei informed him, "We will join them."

"Uh, don't take this the wrong way, Rei," Ben held up his hands protectively - after all, this was a girl who could end the world if she wanted, "But I'm about twice your age, probably not the best idea for a date."

"I can pilot a giant robot," Rei reminded him as she swapped out the empty LifeWater bottle for her helmet, "Would you like to discuss the matter in that manner?"

"Well, when you put it like that," Ben rubbed the back of his head in the same manner that he shared with his 'brother', "I'll... pick you up at seven?"

"Dinner is at seven. You will pick me up at six," Rei countered as she started back to the set.

Still standing there in the shadow of the trailer, Ben shook his head, "Yes, ma'am."

* * *

OMAKE:

Why there are no snipers in Star Wars...

"Begun, the Clone Wars has..."

"Yeah, about that..."

A series of popping sounds were graphically illustrated by the losing of their heads on behalf of the Separtist leaders.

"Done, the Clone Wars is," Anakin smirked.

"What, you did do?"

"I took a page out of the Sith's book - hired a bounty hunter to kill them. Relatively inexpensive, very effective, and now instead of spending most of the next quarter-century in a life support suit, I can just resign from the Order and spend it lounging the shore of a Nubian lake with my wife."

"Married her, you haven't yet!" Yoda fumed, "Violate the Fourth Wall, supposed to, you are NOT!"

The younger Jedi folded his arms and snorted, "Hmph, go play an elf in some movie about a magic kid at school, you old frog."


End file.
